UK ROCK CHALLENGE®
THE 'BIBLE', FOR CREW MEMBERS EVERYWHERE

(With Grateful Thanks to all those across the internet and beyond who first composed what follows. It has all been adapted for Rock Challengers everywhere :)

GENESIS

In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the face of the performers. And the Liaison Teacher said, "Let there be Light!" and the LIGHTING CREW worked and schemed and planned and scribbled and tore up and thought again and created cue sheets and followspotters' instructions and lo, there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yea, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the LT saw the lighting, that it was well cued and spotted, coloured according to the mood, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the performers and it was good. And the evening and morning were the First Day.

And the Liaison Teacher looked upon the performers and saw that although they performed in the light, they did dance upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the LT was moved to pity. And the LT said, "Let there be a set!" and the SET CREW scrounged and measured and cut and shaped and drilled and fastened and sanded and painted and there was a set, with platforms, openings, flats, ramps and blocks of various types and heights, all sized according to the need yet all still fitting through the magic door frame. And the performers did move within the set, and did have a place to be. And the LT saw the set, that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the Liaison Teacher saw the performers, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools for what they held was invisible, they reached for nothing and struck with nothing. And the LT was moved to pity, and said, "Let there be props!" and the PROPS CREW worked feverishly and did scrounge and build and glue and gaffer-tape and lo, there were props and they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the Liaison Teacher looked upon the performers, and saw that they did go forth in hipsters, were pale of face, with lank and listless hair, and knew that this would not do. And the LT said, "Let there be costumes, makeup and hairstyles!" and the COSTUMES, MAKEUP and HAIRSTYLE CREWS did cut and pin and sew and shape and pin again and apply bases and facepaints and lines and powders and sparkle and colour and wash and gel and shape and dry and there were costumes, makeup and hair, all perfect for the performer, according to the theme and in keeping with the role. And no more did the performers go forth as unremarkable, and the LT saw that they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the Liaison Teacher watched the routine and saw that the performers did dance in silence, and was moved to pity. And the LT said, "Let there be sound, and tracks and cuts and edits and blends, all at the proper levels!" and the SOUND CREW did choose and edit and count and cut and mix, according to the theme, and did record. And the LT heard the sounds, that they were good. And the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if the Creator had used sufficient CREW in the first place, S/He would have had a full weekend to rest in :)


PROVERBS

Behold, my daughter/son, here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy rehearsals, in the time of the performance, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others who have gone before and thou shalt not make them thyself. To thine own self be true.

  1. Give not unto the performers their props before the time, for as surely as the sun doth rise in the East and set in the West, they will lose or break them.
  2. When told where to put the props by the Liaison Teacher, write not these things in ink upon the back of thy hand or upon thy palm, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall s/he change her/his mind.
  3. Speak not in large words to performers, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
  4. Speak not in the language of the STAGECREW to performers, for they are uninitiated, and will not understand thy meaning.
  5. Keep holy the first full run-through, for afterwards thou shalt party.
  6. Keep holy the final performance, for afterwards thou shalt party.
  7. Remember always that the Liaison Teacher is never wrong. If it appears that s/he is, then thou didst obviously misunderstand her/him.
  8. Leave not thy area of the stage during the performance to go and whisper with others, for thou wilt be in danger of missing thy cue and being summarily executed or worse.
  9. Beware of performers when moving the set, for they will stand and watch, and get crushed.
  10. Beware of performers during set-up and strike - they are not like unto thee but are blind in the dark.
  11. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
  12. Take pity on the performers, for in their roles they are as children and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavour to speak softly to them and not in anger.
  13. And above all, do not get carried away with glow-tape, or thy set will be like unto an airport lit up at night.

WORD TO THE STAGECREW

Remember always that thou art STAGECREW, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and to know the secret ways of thy equipment. To thy hands alone it is given to mould the dreams and thoughts of those that watch and to make the stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the performers, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they step and stride and dance and portray emotion, their craft does truly depend on thee to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to support them. Thou art all a team, and thou shalt party together.

My friends, remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize true STAGECREW:
  • they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling;
  • they are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening;
  • they can speak with knowledge of tools and moves;
  • they respect one anothers' jobs and help where they can;
  • they do not just stand and watch.

Remember that as STAGECREW, thou art a member of an honourable calling in which thou art bound together across the world with all other STAGECREW in a unique brotherhood and sisterhood. Practise thy craft, grow knowledgeable in its dark ways, be safe and silent in their operations, respect all other STAGECREW, watch, support and help where needed.

Amen.